Star Wars Episode II.5: Sorry, Vong Number
by Quadpus
Summary: Ten years after TPM, the Yuuzhan Vong invade the galaxy and only Obi-Wan and Anakin can stop them! But they'll never succeed without some help from their friends on the Asteroid of Misfit Star Wars Heroes... *12/21 FINAL CHAPTER POSTED!*
1. Stranded in Space

Disclaimer: All references to Star Wars are the property of Lucasfilm. I am simply making a mess of things for recreational purposes.   
  
  
STAR WARS  
Episode II.5  
  
OBI-WAN AND ANAKIN ON THE ASTEROID OF MISFIT STAR WARS HEROES  
  
-or-  
  
SORRY, VONG NUMBER  
  
by Quadpus  
  
  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Obi-Wan Kenobi and his Padawan learner, Anakin Skywalker, stood before the Jedi Council and listened to the disturbing news. "...They appear to have extragalactic origins," Mace Windu said. "They call themselves the Yuuzhan Vong. They have seized control of the Anoat system and killed seven Jedi already. All of their technology is organically-based. Worst of all, they can't be felt or detected by the Force."  
  
"Stop them, we must," added Master Yoda.  
  
Anakin frowned. "I thought the Force was a luminous energy field that flows through all beings and unifies all life," he said.   
  
"Well, maybe it's like how Hutts and Toydarians are immune to the Jedi mind trick," Obi-Wan suggested.  
  
"That's completely different," said Anakin. "I mean, nobody ever said Hutts or Toydarians were invisible or disconnected to the Force. Doesn't the very existence of these aliens undermine the entire mystical concept of the Force?"  
  
"Bingo," said Plo Koon.  
  
"And that's exactly why we need to beat those Vong punks back to whatever sorry-ass galaxy they came from," said Mace.  
  
"You two must go to the Anoat system and spy on them. We must learn what their weaknesses are, so they can be defeated without unnecessary loss of life," said Oppo Rancisis.   
  
Obi-Wan bowed. "We'll leave at once, Master."  
  
* * *  
  
Obi-Wan and Anakin boarded their two-seater Jedi starfighter, the Skirtchaser X-66, and blasted into the space above Coruscant. Their R2 unit began to make the calculations for the jump to hyperspace.   
  
However, deep inside the inner workings of the ship, a pair of shrimplike Unlaiklees, one of the Vong's many biological creations, were burrowing into the hyperdrive and using their tiny little bioengineered pincers to manipulate the electrons comprising the data that the R2 unit was feeding the hyperdrive. Thanks to the Unlaiklees, instead of getting the data for a jump to the Anoat system, the hyperdrive got the data for a jump straight into the middle of a black hole.   
  
The Vong were able to do this because no less than six members of the Jedi Council were actually Vong spies wearing ooglith masquers. The real members of the Council had been kidnapped months ago.   
  
Those Vong sure do get around.  
  
The R2 unit whistled "Go," Anakin pulled the lever, and the two Jedi blasted off into hyperspace.  
  
About an hour into the jump, Anakin started to get fidgety.  
  
"Calm down, Padawan," said Obi-Wan. "You're making it hard for me to do my Jedi Mellowing Exercises."  
  
"Something's not right," said Anakin. "I don't think we took the right vector for the Anoat system. We should stop for a course correction. I have a bad feeling about this."  
  
"Anakin, I don't think that's necessary," said Obi-Wan, but the Padawan went ahead and pulled the lever anyway. The starlines receded and they returned to realspace. An alarm began to sound on their computer, calling attention to a warning message that there was a black hole just a few hundred thousand kilometers ahead of them.  
  
"Anakin!" exclaimed Obi-Wan. "If you hadn't stopped when you did, we would have flown right into that black hole! That superior Force-sense of yours saved our lives, Anakin! If I could, I'd jump right into your bloodstream and hug each and every one of those wonderful midichlorians of yours!"  
  
"All too easy," said Anakin with a proud smirk.  
  
Then another message appeared on their computer: their hyperdrive was damaged beyond repair. What they didn't know was that the Unlaiklees had eaten all the way into it, rendering it completely inoperable. They were stranded in deep space.  
  
"This is not good," said Obi-Wan grimly.  
  
"Let's see what's around here," said Anakin, punching a few commands into the computer. "Look, there's a rogue asteroid nearby," he said as the readings came up.  
  
"What help is that to us?" said Obi-Wan.   
  
"Not much, but it's all there is," Anakin replied. "We can send out a distress beacon, maybe the asteroid will help somebody locate us." They started to fly towards it.   
  
When they got within visual range of the asteroid, Obi-Wan gasped and pointed to the computer screen. "We're getting life-form readings," he said. "That's incredible." They soared closer.  
  
There was a tiny colony on the asteroid: a little prefab shelter, an atmosphere generator tower, and an artificial sun mounted atop a very high pole.   
  
"Looks like we're in luck," said Obi-Wan. "Bring her down, we'll see if we can find some help." Anakin landed the ship next to the shelter. They climbed out to find a silver protocol droid walking out from the shelter, coming up to greet them.  
  
"Greetings," said Obi-Wan. "I am Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight, and this is my Padawan, Anakin Skywalker."  
  
The droid made a big show of stopping and looking over its shoulder, as if to see if there was somebody standing behind. "I'm sorry, were you talking to me? You must have mistaken me for someone who gives a womprat's ass."  
  
The Jedi frowned. They had never heard such language from a protocol droid before.   
  
"Go away," said the droid, waving its arms. "We don't want you here. Shoo. Shoo."  
  
Obi-Wan stepped forward. "Our hyperdrive has failed. We're stranded. We need assistance, please."  
  
"I don't care. Go away," the droid said. Another figure stepped out of the shelter doors, a black-robed humanoid with a hood and a mask covering his head.   
  
"Thank you, F-3P0, but I'll handle it from here," said the figure in the black robe as it walked up to the Jedi.   
  
"Piss off," said the droid to no-one in particular, then it turned and walked back to the shelter.  
  
"Strange droid you have there," said Obi-Wan with a patient smile. "My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi, and this is--"  
  
"Your Padawan, yes, I was listening," said the black robed figure. "Welcome to the Asteroid of Misfit Star Wars Heroes, Jedi. You make take refuge here for as long as you need."  
  
Anakin looked puzzled. "Asteroid of Misfit...?"  
  
"We have all come here because we have no place in the galaxy at large. I, for example, am a Dark Lord of the Sith--"  
  
Anakin's eyes widened with shock. Obi-Wan's hand instantly reached for his lightsaber.  
  
"--Hold on, hold on. Calm down. For the present time, I bear you no grudge, Jedi. For you see, it is the rule that only two Sith Lords can exist at any time: a Master, and an Apprentice. I am neither. I am a third Sith Lord, forgotten, unneeded. You may call me...Darth Extraneous."  
  
"Darth Extraneous?" said Obi-Wan and Anakin in unison.  
  
"As long as the OTHER two Sith Lords in the galaxy are busy working together, I'm a man without a purpose. So fear not, Jedi. For the time being, I do not consider you my enemies."  
  
"How very gracious of you," said Obi-Wan suspiciously, his eyes narrowed to slits.   
  
"Come," said Darth Extraneous, walking back towards the shelter. "Let me introduce you to the rest of the misfits."  
  
* * *  
  
The inside of the shelter was drab but functional. The Sith Lord led them to a common room with several floating couches, a holoprojector, and a bar. There was a skinny Neimoidian wearing loose, natural-fiber clothing sitting on one of the couches, and an attractive young woman in a bright blue robe slouched over the bar.   
  
"Friends," said Darth Extraneous, "these Jedi have come seeking our help. Their ship was damaged and they found themselves stranded in space."  
  
"Gee, that's too bad," snorted the Neimoidian.  
  
"Tough luck," sighed the woman.   
  
"I'm Obi-Wan," said Obi-Wan, "and this is my apprentice, Anakin. We just need to take a look at our hyperdrive, send out a distress beacon..."  
  
The Neimoidian leaned forward. "Do you know how much the average Ugnaught makes for a day's work of assembling hyperdrive components?"  
  
Obi-Wan blinked. "No...?"  
  
"Four dataries a week," said the Neimoidian gravely. "That's not even a living wage. And do you know who lets it happen? The greedy, corporate-controlled, money-loving Republic, that's who."  
  
"Jedi, this is Marxo Zeedong. He found his way here to the Asteroid of Misfits because he's an ardent socialist."  
  
"Only one of my species, or so I hear," Marxo said.  
  
"I see," said Obi-Wan. "Well, it's...nice to meet you, Marxo."  
  
"You don't buy SoroSuub products, do you?" he asked. "Because if you've heard half the stories I have--"  
  
"And what's your name?" interrupted Anakin, eyeing the woman at the bar.   
  
"I'm Racke'," she said.  
  
"Miss Racke' was a royal handmaiden from the planet Naboo," said Darth Extraneous.   
  
Anakin's eyes lit up. "Hey! Do you know Queen Amidala?"  
  
"No," she said bitterly, and took a drink from the glass of quadruple-malt Corellian whiskey resting on the bar in front of her. "They fired me a long time ago because I 'couldn't properly carry out the duties expected of a royal handmaiden.' Whatever." She took another drink.   
  
"What do you mean?" asked Anakin.   
  
"Well, there's really two main things the handmaidens have to do. Number one is shoot straight. Number two is impersonate the Queen."  
  
"So what's the problem?" said Anakin. "Throw on a little white paint and you'd look like the Queen as much as any other handmaiden I know. Do you not like blasters? Is that it?"  
  
"No, I'm a perfect shot. I can hit a two-inch target from fifty paces."  
  
"What is it, then?"  
  
"How can I impersonate the Queen," she asked, sitting up straight for the first time, "with these?" She pulled open the front of her robe, giving the Jedi a brief glimpse of two very large breasts spilling out of a too-small bra. She covered them back up quickly, slumped onto the bar, took another drink, and sighed.   
  
"I...guess that would be a give-away, yeah," said Obi-Wan.  
  
"Impressive," whispered Anakin, staring vacantly. "Most impressive." Obi-Wan thumped him on the shoulder.  
  
"Be mindful, Padawan."  
  
"I just barely fit into a 36 double-Dorn, and that's the largest cup size they make on Naboo," she moaned. "But to impersonate the Queen, you have to wear a size 34 Besh. It's not fair!"  
  
"Master, perhaps you should allow me to apply a Jedi Comforting Technique on her," said Anakin eagerly.   
  
Obi-Wan hooked his hand under Anakin's elbow, holding him back, and turned to the Sith Lord. "Perhaps you should show us the rest of the place," he said.   
  
* * *  
  
Darth Extraneous led the Jedi down a hallway to find some empty quarters where they could stay until their ship was repaired. The hallway was blocked, however, by a big fat Hutt with a trim beard and mustache and a thick head of greasy slicked-back hair.  
  
"Ah, here comes Lubba the Hutt," said Darth.   
  
"Uh-oh, be ready," whispered Obi-Wan. "This could be trouble."  
  
"Oh! I'm so sorry! I'm in your way," exclaimed the Hutt. "Please excuse me. I would turn around and let you through, but-- I'm afraid I can't turn around. You can climb over me, if you like, I won't mind."  
  
Anakin stopped. "Are you sure that's a Hutt?"  
  
"Of course it is," said the Sith Lord. "And you won't find a kinder, gentler, more polite or law-abiding Hutt in all the galaxy. He's the biggest misfit I know, in more ways than one."  
  
"Pleased to meet you," said the Hutt with a wide smile.  
  
"Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker," said the Sith Lord, gesturing to each of the Jedi in turn. "They're Jedi Knights."  
  
"Oh!" gasped the Hutt. "Not only a pleasure, sir, but an honor it is to make your acquaintance. Please forgive me for clumsily getting in your way like this."  
  
"It's quite all right," said Obi-Wan, as the three began to climb over the Hutt to reach the other end of the hallway.  
  
"I'm a CPA," said the Hutt, as Anakin crawled down his back. "Did you know that the Republic Tax Code is over sixteen thousand pages long this year? If you ever need help filing..."  
  
"Jedi don't pay taxes," said Obi-Wan, stepping carefully over the tail. As soon as they had cleared the Hutt, another figure began to approach them from down the hall-- the rude protocol droid who had first come out to meet them, F-3P0.   
  
"Darth, why did you invite these twits in?" it asked.   
  
"Now now, F-3P0, be kind to our guests. They are Jedi Knights, after all."  
  
"Sure, Jedi Knights," scoffed F-3P0. "I haven't seen a bigger pair of fruits since I accidentally walked into the shower and saw Racke's melons."  
  
"You've seen them?" Anakin started, but he was hushed by a stern look from Obi-Wan.   
  
"Come along, let me show you your room," said Darth Extraneous. "After that, I want you to meet the Doctor."  
  
* * *  
  
The room they were to share was small and austere, like the cramped compartments on a star cruiser. The Jedi were well used to such accommodations.   
  
They found the Doctor in his own quarters, seated in a floating hover-chair, reading a datapad full of scientific articles about theoretical particle physics. The Doctor was about three feet tall, covered in thick fur from head to foot, and there was a wooden spear propped up next to his bed.  
  
"Obi-Wan, Anakin, meet Dr. Yub-Yub," said the Sith Lord. "Our resident scientist and expert in all things technical. The Doctor hails from a little-known forest world called Endor."  
  
"Hello," said the Doctor, not bothering to look up from his datapad. "Good to meet you. Please close the door on your way out."   
  
"I'm afraid our friends here have lost their hyperdrive," said Darth Extraneous. "Do we have any tools or parts for hyperdrive repair around here?"  
  
"Hmm. Oh, there might be some in the basement."  
  
"The basement, of course. F-3P0? F-3P0, come here!" The Sith Lord called down the hallway for the protocol droid, who made a loud aggravated sighing sound, turned around, and stomped loudly and slowly towards Dr. Yub-Yub's quarters.   
  
"Yes, what do you want?" it asked, with great irritation evident in its voice.  
  
"F-3P0, would you be so kind as to run down to the basement to bring up our hyperdrive parts and tools?"  
  
"Fuck you," said the droid. "Get them yourself." It turned around and walked back the way it had came.   
  
Darth Extraneous gave the Jedi an embarrassed smile. "I'll get them," he said. But no sooner were the words out of his mouth when alarm klaxons began to sound and red lights began to flash. The asteroid was under attack.   
  
* * *  
  
The two Jedi and the six misfits gathered in the shelter's observation tower, watching silently as the hideous, organic-looking Vong spaceships battered down the asteroid's rapidly-weakening shields.   
  
"Yuuzhan Vong coralskippers," said Obi-Wan grimly, looking at the Vong fact sheet the Jedi Council had given him.   
  
"If these guys are supposed to be so awful, warlike, violent, and nasty," said Anakin, "why'd they go and name their starfighters 'coralskippers?' It sounds like a name for recreational jet skis. Or a tropical beverage. I don't get it."  
  
"I'm having a hard time with the entire concept of living creatures being used as starships capable of faster-than-light travel," said Racke'.  
  
"These creatures just don't BELONG in this galaxy," Darth Extraneous agreed. "What the hell are they doing here, anyway? Who let them come in? And when will they just go away already?"  
  
"We've got to stop them," said Anakin, just as the coralskippers unleashed another barrage of deadly goo at the asteroid's shields.   
  
Suddenly, Dr. Yub-Yub, who had been apart from the others, sitting in his hover-chair and tinkering with some electronic devices, spun around and exclaimed, "Eureka! I've managed to craft a long-range holotransmitter out of spare parts from our broken kitchen appliances! Quick, Jedi-- send an S.O.S. to Coruscant!"  
  
As the assault raged on outside, Obi-Wan and Anakin huddled in front of Dr. Yub-Yub's transmitter and keyed in the frequency for the Jedi Temple on Coruscant.   
  
"We're sorry," came an automated reply, "but the frequency you have dialed is currently--" The message blipped out.  
  
"It's being redirected," muttered Obi-Wan. "I wonder what's going on."  
  
They soon found themselves looking at a tiny holographic image of a disheveled and extremely stressed-looking Master Yoda.   
  
"Master Yoda, we're in serious trouble here. We need help urgently, repeat, urgently, this is an emergency--"  
  
Yoda cut him off. "Unfortunate that is for you. Our own problems we have here."  
  
"What?"  
  
"A deal with the Republic, the Vong have cut. A complete handover of Jedi in exchange for survival."  
  
"You mean--"  
  
"Rose up against us, the citizens of Coruscant did. Powerful the Jedi are, but no match for a panicked mob of billions are ten thousand Jedi."  
  
"Master Yoda, where are you?"  
  
Yoda sighed. "Allowed me to crash in his rec room until blows over does this mess, ex-Chancellor Valorum did."  
  
Obi-Wan's face took on a look of steely determination. "Don't worry, Master Yoda. Stay there and keep safe. Anakin and I will take care of these Yuuzhan Vong scumbags." He flicked off the transmitter and turned to Anakin. "Any ideas?"  
  
Anakin shrugged. "Wait for them to land, then hack them to pieces with our laser swords?"  
  
"Lightsaber, Anakin. It's called a lightsaber. And yes, I think that's a fine idea. Darth, is there anywhere we can go to take cover from the aerial bombardment?"  
  
"Under Lubba's enormous Hutt ass, perhaps?" suggested F-3P0.  
  
"Quiet, you," said Marxo. "None of this would be happening if the Republic simply showed respect for the Vong culture. They have their own galaxy and their own way of life that we don't necessarily understand, just because we aren't familiar with it. That's no reason to judge them harshly and call them our enemies."  
  
"What are you talking about? They're merciless, amoral, pillaging slime who spend all their time killing things and cutting off their own body parts," said Racke'.  
  
"Right," said Marxo. "They're not like us. Try to be open-minded!"  
  
"Come on," said Obi-Wan, as another volley of Vong projectiles blasted the shield. "We need cover. Now. Somebody think."  
  
"To the caves!" cried Dr. Yub-Yub.  
  
* * *  
  
They watched from the mouth of a cave, breathing air from the portable atmosphere generator strapped to Lubba's tail, as the Vong invaded the base and tore it to pieces.   
  
"Oh, and I worked so hard to keep that place clean!" groaned F-3P0. He held out his arms and extended his two metallic middle fingers. "Go to hell, you fuckers! Lousy Vong..."  
  
"You guys had better get back," said Anakin, waving the misfits towards the depths of the cave. "We'll wait for them to come to us."  
  
"Let me fight at your side, Jedi," said Darth Extraneous, holding up his double-bladed lightsaber. "It would be a pleasure for me to help you destroy the Vong. I feel comfortable speaking for all Sith when I say that we can't stand them, either."  
  
Obi-Wan gave him a wary glance, then shrugged. "All right."  
  
They waited.   
  
And waited.  
  
After about two hours, a pack of Vong scouts noticed them peering from the mouth of the cave, and rallied a group of about twenty warriors to go slaughter them.  
  
The Jedi and the Sith activated their lightsabers and stood ready, waiting for the scarred, tattooed warriors to come to them.  
  
"Ho, Jedi!" shouted the lead Vong when it came within a few yards of the cave. "Throw down your puny weapons and surrender, and we might show mercy and sacrifice you to one of our more agreeable gods."  
  
"Never!" yelled Obi-Wan.  
  
"I'd sooner kiss a Wookiee," sneered Anakin.  
  
"Prepare to die, skull-face!" roared Darth.   
  
The Vong warriors charged. The Jedi and the Sith rushed up to meet them, lightsabers flashing, dodging blows from the crude battle-axes the Vong used as weapons.   
  
Anakin started to taunt them. "You think you can beat us with those stone-age axes? Don't make me laugh."  
  
"These aren't axes!" screamed a Vong, taking a swing at Anakin's head. "They're Rendiculan whangmorbs, and our Vong alchemists bred them specially to serve as lethal cutting weapons! Their dorsal fins are as hard as diamonds and as sharp as razors!"  
  
"So, it's an axe, but you grew it from an animal instead of putting it together from cheap inanimate parts," said Anakin, parrying the blow. "Brilliant, and, may I add, very efficient. You Vong are REALLY advanced, uh-huh."  
  
"Shut up!" yelled the Vong. "The Vong revere life! We would never stoop to making our tools out of dead things!"  
  
"'Revere life,' ribbon-face? Say, why don't you ask that Ridiculous whang-whatever how 'revered' it feels whenever you go swinging it into things. By the way, did you have an accident when you were shaving this morning, or is your face supposed to look like that?"  
  
The Vong was about to reply, but Anakin cut off the creature's head before it could get the words out. But right away, two more Vong warriors stepped in to take its place.   
  
"Your technology is no match for Vong bio-warfare!" snarled one of them. It opened its hand, and a little flying insect hopped out. "See how quickly my Dumkonsept moth burrows into your head and lays its deadly eggs in your brain!" The moth started to fly towards Anakin, who simply stood still and held his lightsaber up, perfectly straight.  
  
The moth circled the lightsaber blade a few times, then flew right into it and died. "Ha," said Anakin. "Just like the pest zappers back home."   
  
"Feel the wrath of my Yhuuvga'atabiikyddingmee blob-launcher!" shouted the other Vong, holding up a fat frog-like creature that looked bloated and unhappy.  
  
"How do you guys make all these stupid creatures, anyway?" asked Anakin.  
  
"Bio-engineering!" snapped the Vong. "Alchemy! Genetic manipulation! Your unworthy Jedi mind wouldn't be able to comprehend how it works."  
  
"Right, but how do you do the engineering without using technology?"  
  
"With rocks!" cried the Vong, using the frog creature to launch a blob of gooey acid at Anakin, who deftly side-stepped it. "And twigs! And bugs and spit!" After missing two more shots, he gave up and threw the whole frog at Anakin, who did a forward-flip over the Vong's head and jammed his lightsaber straight backwards, impaling the Vong from behind.   
  
"Next," said Anakin, straightening his lightsaber.  
  
"We could use a little help over here," said Obi-Wan, who, along with the Sith Lord, was holding back a relentless onslaught from four armored Vong warriors. Anakin ran up and slashed his blade along the midsection of one of the warriors, but as soon as the blade touched the Vong's armor, it sparked and sputtered and did no damage at all.   
  
"What the hell?" said Anakin, puzzled.  
  
"Our armor can protect us from your lightsabers, Jedi! And our alien Vong brains are immune to your crude mind tricks! You can't possibly stop us!"  
  
"Yeah, but you've still got a physical body to manipulate, and everybody's gotta breathe," said Anakin. "What happens if I do this?" He made a grasping motion with his hand, focusing his Force energies on the Vong's throat.  
  
"Nothing. I'm fine," said the Vong, although his voice sounded a little strained.  
  
"How about now?" said Anakin, tightening his Force-grip.  
  
"I'm...fine...no...problem...gaaak..." The Vong crumpled to the ground, dead of asphyxiation.   
  
"Wow, that was totally wizard," said Anakin with a big grin. "Hey Obi-Wan, you've got to try that."  
  
"That's not a bad idea," said Darth Extraneous. "What about this?" He twitched his hand, using the Force to loosen the fasteners on one of the Vong's suit of bio-armor. It fell off, leaving the Vong bare to the waist. The Sith Lord ran him through with his lightsaber.   
  
But it was no good. There were still more than a dozen Vong to deal with, and many more were coming to join the battle. The Jedi knew they couldn't hope to hold out against such numbers for long. The Vong began to attack in mass, backing their opponents up to the cave walls, swinging their bio-axes relentlessly.   
  
Dr. Yub-Yub came gliding out from the black depths of the cave. "Get back!" shouted Darth. "It's still not safe, Doctor! Look after the others!"  
  
"I'm here to save your hides!" said the Doctor. "I managed to put together a crude thermal detonator from some of F-3P0's non-vital components. Stand back!"  
  
"Wait!" cried the Sith Lord, but Obi-Wan could see the resolve in the furry little creature's eyes, and he grabbed the Sith and his Padawan and ran with them back into the cave.   
  
"Aiieeeyeeee-aaah!!" shrieked Dr. Yub-Yub, loosing a traditional war-cry as he charged the Vong and pulled the pin on the thermal detonator. The explosion was tremendous, and rocks and rubble poured from the ceiling of the cave, sealing off the mouth. When the carnage had settled, the Jedi and the Sith cautiously reapproached. There blast hadn't left a single Vong alive.  
  
"Poor little guy," said Anakin quietly.  
  
"He sacrificed himself that we might live," Obi-Wan whispered.  
  
"At least we won't have to listen to any of his native folk songs anymore," sighed Darth. "'Celebrate the Love,' indeed."  
  
They walked back into the darkness to rejoin the others.  
  
  
  
To be continued... 


	2. Revenge of the Jedi

Chapter 2  
  
Obi-Wan, Anakin, and the surviving misfits held a strategy planning meeting in a large hollow chamber deep inside the cave. The generator strapped to the Hutt was still pumping out oxygen, and for light they made a bonfire out of wiring and insulation fibers they got out of F-3P0, who stood in a corner cradling his ransacked innards and muttering black and profane curses against the Jedi, who he blamed for all his present misfortunes.   
  
"If we had Jedi-- lots of Jedi-- we could take them out, no problem," said Anakin.   
  
"And that's the one thing we don't have," said Obi-Wan. "You and I and Master Yoda may be the only Jedi left in the galaxy, Anakin. Those filthy Vong have probably already fed the other 9,997 to their war-god, Yambo or Yamhock or whatever it's called."  
  
"Well, the only difference between me and a Jedi is that I'm evil," said Darth Extraneous. "And I know there's two other Sith Lords out there somewhere. Maybe they would help."  
  
"Uh, yes, that'll make an interesting 'Plan B,'" said Obi-Wan. "But for now, let's see if we can do it on our own."  
  
"First and foremost, we've got to get off this asteroid," said Racke', and the truth of what she said was punctuated by the sound of another explosion near the entrance. The Vong were trying to blast their way back in, using their specially-bred explosive Abshurdian nitro-gophers, cute little furry mammals that burrowed into the rubble and detonated themselves with the force of a class-six concussion grenade.   
  
"She's right," said Anakin, always more than happy to agree with whatever Racke' had to say.   
  
"Where would we go?" asked Marxo. "The Vong have overrun most of the galaxy already. Just like gigantic interplanetary conglomerates and the corporate exploitation of the disempowered working class."  
  
The rest of the group stared blankly at him for a moment, then went ahead with their discussion. "We could go to Huttspace," suggested Lubba. "Most Hutts are pretty tough. They probably won't give up without a hard fight. We might be safe there."  
  
"Going to Huttspace carries its own set of risks," said Racke'. "We could go to my home planet. They'd protect us."  
  
"That sounds great!" said Anakin brightly. "I'd love to see Naboob again-- I mean, uh..." Racke' gave him a dirty look and crossed her arms over her chest protectively.   
  
"The Vong may already be there," said Obi-Wan, and nobody wanted to think about what that would mean for poor Amidala and Jar Jar Binks. An uncomfortable silence passed, until the sound of another gopher explosion ripped through the air.   
  
"You're all a bunch of morons," F-3P0 said bitterly.  
  
"Look," Darth began, "we know you're sore about having to give up so many of your internal parts..."  
  
"That's not it-- although I do think you're also a pack of cannibalistic vultures, and you can expect to hear from my attorney when all this is over," the droid said. "I meant that you're morons for bickering about which planet to fly off to when none of you are going to get ANYWHERE without going through those horrid awful nasty beasts outside the cave. All your precious travel plans are going to go to waste when those dreadful things storm in here and bash us all to bits."  
  
"I hate to say it, but he's right," said Racke'.   
  
"Maybe we could use the Force to cloak or disguise ourselves, and sneak out without them noticing us," said the Sith Lord.   
  
"Not a bad thought, but those damned Force-impaired Vong would probably be able to see through the cloak, or something," sighed Obi-Wan.   
  
"You know, this just isn't right. The Republic has been maintaining order in the galaxy for thousands upon thousands of years-- how can a bunch of self-mutilating religious fanatics make the whole thing fall apart so easily?" Anakin asked.   
  
"I wish I knew, Padawan. I wish I knew."  
  
"There's got to be a way to defeat them."  
  
"There must be, Padawan. But the key to victory eludes us yet. I feel we can never find it unless, perhaps, we attempt to reestablish our inner tranquility within the Force."  
  
"Master Obi-Wan, I don't understand."  
  
"Excuse me."  
  
"Well, Master Qui-Gon used to remind me to 'concentrate on the living Force.' He was trying to tell me not to get so wrapped up in planning out future events, or analyzing the past, but to focus on what was relevant in the here and now."  
  
"Excuse me."  
  
"Not now, Hutt. We're trying to figure out how to escape. Now, Anakin, as I was saying. The living Force differs from the unifying Force in that it--"  
  
"Please forgive me for interrupting, Master Jedi sir, but I had an idea how we might do that," said Lubba rather timidly.  
  
"Oh? How?"  
  
"What if you were to take your lightsabers and carve out a tunnel to the surface, away from where the Vong are coming?"  
  
Anakin and Obi-Wan looked at each other. "Um, yeah, I guess that might work," said the elder Jedi.   
  
"I could help," said the Sith Lord.   
  
"There's just one problem with that," said Racke'. "Once we're back on the surface, then what? How do we get off the asteroid?"  
  
"We have a ship," said Obi-Wan, "but it's only a two-seater. And it doesn't have a working hyperdrive. I'm afraid it won't do us much good."  
  
"We could steal one of their...I still have a hard time saying the word...'coralskippers,'" suggested Anakin.   
  
Marxo shot him a glance. "Who's going to fly the thing, kid? You?"  
  
Anakin met eyes with the Neimoidian. "You bet I could. I'm not such a bad pilot." He turned to Obi-Wan. "We don't have to sit here and listen to this..."  
  
"No, I agree with Marxo," Obi-Wan said. "I'm not getting in one of those things. I bet it's all slimy and oogy inside."  
  
"Ew," said Racke', imagining.   
  
F-3P0 sighed loudly.  
  
"Yes, did you have something else you wanted to say?" asked Darth Extraneous.   
  
"I have a ship," said the droid.  
  
"You what?"  
  
"I have a ship," he repeated. "I used it to get to the asteroid all those years ago. I hid it in a canyon on the other side of the asteroid so none of you sons of bitches would find it. I just knew if you did, you'd fuck it all up." He sighed again. "But, it seems that's the only way I'll be able to save myself-- letting you yammering dolts get your greasy fingerprints all over my beautiful ship."  
  
"Master?" said Anakin.  
  
"Start carving," said Obi-Wan.   
  
* * *  
  
They emerged from a cliffside with not a Vong in sight. From there, it was only a four-hour walk to the canyon where F-3P0's ship was concealed.   
  
"By the blistered brain of Exar Kun, how in the Sith hell did you get your hands on an entire Marauder corvette?" Darth Extraneous gasped when the huge, well-armed, streamlined ship came into view.   
  
"Look, I had a lot going on before I came to this asteroid," the droid said. "My life didn't begin the day I moved in with you freaks."  
  
"Can you fly it?" Obi-Wan inquired.   
  
"No. That stupid furball removed the part of my servo-brain that controls vehicle operation to make his stupid thermal detonator."  
  
"Dibs," said Anakin quickly.  
  
"All right," said Obi-Wan. "Anakin will pilot, and I'll ride shotgun. Marxo, you work on getting a holomessage transmitted to-- on second thought, Racke', you handle communications, and Marxo, you stay in the engine room and make sure nothing goes wrong in there, okay? Keep an eye out for anything that looks like it might have been manufactured by underpaid third-worlders and give me a full report when we land, whenever that is."  
  
The Neimoidian seemed satisfied. "Very well."  
  
"Where are we going?" Darth asked.   
  
"I've decided," said Obi-Wan. "Tatooine."  
  
"Tatooine? Why Tatooine?"  
  
Obi-Wan shrugged. "I just remembered a line I once read in the Journal of the Whills: 'When in doubt, go to Tatooine.' It's not like anybody was coming up with any better ideas."  
  
"Sounds good to me!" said Anakin. "Hey, we can finally free my Mom!"  
  
They boarded the ship and blasted off into hyperspace immediately, before the Vong coralskippers could round the asteroid and attack.   
  
* * *  
  
From a distance, Tatooine looked fine. There were no Vong worldships or coralskippers or dovetail basalts or anything of the sort. But when they got close enough to see Mos Espa on the planet surface, several smoking craters were visible within the city limits.  
  
"Doesn't look good," said Obi-Wan quietly. They set the ship down, and Anakin left all of them trailing behind as he rushed towards Watto's shop at full speed.   
  
He found his old owner sitting on the steps of his shop, his face buried in his hands. The old Toydarian looked up when he heard Anakin approaching, and his jaw dropped with surprise. "Anakin? Anakin, is thatta you? Holy poodoo, kid, I can'ta believe it! It'sa my little peedunkee!"  
  
"Watto," was all Anakin said by way of greeting. "What happened? Where's my Mom?"  
  
"Oh, Ani...Ani, it was terrible...they tooka my wings, Ani...they tooka my wings..." It was true. His wings had been sliced neatly off, and were roughly bandaged.   
  
"Who?" said Anakin, already knowing the answer but not wanting to admit it to himself. "And where's my mother?"  
  
"I don'ta know, kid...summa crazy motherfuckers who calla themselves the Vong...reala ugly sonsa bitches." He looked up, and for the first time Anakin saw something resembling compassion in the old Toydarian's eyes. "Your momma didn't make it, Ani."  
  
"They killed her," said Anakin in a cold, emotionless voice.  
  
"I'ma sorry, kid...there wassa nothing I coulda do..." Obi-Wan and the Sith Lord turned a corner, finally catching up with Anakin.  
  
"That's it," said Anakin.  
  
"Anakin? What's going on?" said Obi-Wan. "Who's this?" he asked, looking at Watto.   
  
"Those...pricks...are...SO...dead..." Anakin said through gritted teeth.   
  
"Whoa! Somebody took a dip in the Dark Side of the pool today! What's the matter with you, Anakin? You look angry...and you know what anger leads to."  
  
"Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering," said Anakin, his voice like ice.  
  
"That's right, so just take a few breaths, calm down, and tell me what--"  
  
"I HATE those Vong. And I am SO going to make them suffer."  
  
"Anakin? You're creeping me out. What happened?"  
  
"Shut up anda show a little respect. Peedunkee justa found out hissa momma died."  
  
"Oh, no," Obi-Wan moaned. He turned to Darth Extraneous. "You might as well just take him as your apprentice now. There's no way I'm getting him back from the Dark Side after this." Anakin, not listening to them, was already pacing in circles with his lightsaber lit, periodically swinging it at imaginary Vong and muttering gruesome threats and curses under his breath. At that point, Marxo Zeedong and L-3P0 caught up, surveying the strange tableau before them as they approached.  
  
"I think we walked in on an awkward moment," said Marxo, after catching his breath.   
  
"Anakin, listen. We'll bring the Vong to justice, okay? I promise. But you've got to get a hold of yourself. I can't work with you when you're like this," said Obi-Wan.   
  
"Screw justice," said Anakin. "I want to make those bastards pay. I want bloody, unholy revenge. I want to see them begging for mercy-- which they won't FUCKING get-- at the end of my laser sword."  
  
"Anakin. Seriously. You are totally, one hundred percent in the Dark Side right now. I need you to snap out of it."  
  
"I want to hear the cries of their children and the lamentations of their women. I want to be the most horrible thing that has ever happened to the Vong. I want them to write songs and epics and tragedies about what a BAD-ASS MOTHERFUCKER Anakin Skywalker is and about how he TOTALLY fucked up their ENTIRE planet and civilization REAL BAD."  
  
"Anakin, you and I really ought to have a long talk sometime," said Darth Extraneous admiringly.   
  
Anakin looked up. "What are we waiting around here for? There's no Vong around here. Where's the nearest Vong I can gut like a fish?"  
  
Obi-Wan turned to Watto. "Do you have a holotransmitter I could use? I think this merits an emergency call to Master Yoda..."  
  
"Coruscant is longa distance," said Watto. "Itsa gonna costa you."  
  
Lubba finally came shuffling up, shaking like a bowl full of jelly. "Where's Racke'?" Marxo asked him. The Hutt shrugged.  
  
"She was trailing behind me, last I saw."  
  
Obi-Wan and Watto went inside the shop to make the call to Yoda. Meanwhile, Darth coached Anakin on the finer points of rage-honing and grudge-holding, but the Jedi, still seething, was only half listening. Several moments later, Racke' arrived.  
  
"How is it that the Hutt got here faster than you did?" Marxo asked.  
  
"If you had these, you wouldn't run either," said Racke' with a cursory nod downwards.   
  
Obi-Wan came out of the shop holding a portable transmitter in his hand, upon which a tiny flickering image of Yoda was standing.   
  
"Make this quick, you must. A tap on our line, they may have."  
  
"Master Yoda," said Obi-Wan, "talk some sense into Anakin. Please. You're our only hope."  
  
Yoda sighed. "Yes, yes." He cleared his throat. "To me you must listen, Anakin. Much danger I sense, if to the Dark Side you turn. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny."  
  
"Dominate?" said Anakin. "Sounds cool. I'd sure like to dominate those filthy fucks who killed my Mom."  
  
"No, boy, no!" said Yoda, perturbed. "Hear carefully my words! Once towards darkness you face, forever will it invade your thoughts!"  
  
"You know what would be a good Sith name?" asked Darth Extraneous. "'Darth Invader.'"  
  
Anakin turned. "No, I've got it-- 'Darth VADER.'"  
  
The Sith Lord clasped his hands together and beamed with joy. "You're right, Anakin. That's much better."  
  
"Stay out of this," said Obi-Wan.  
  
"It suits you, too..."   
  
"Hey!" said Anakin. "Speaking of suits, that gives me a great idea." He rushed into Watto's shop, not bothering to wait to hear what else Master Yoda had to say.   
  
"Doomed we are," Yoda sighed. "As good as the next Sith Lord the boy already is." He hung up the transmitter on his end, and the hologram vanished.   
  
Anakin stayed in the back of Watto's shop for the rest of the day, and no-one, not even Racke', could persuade him to come out or say what he was doing.   
  
* * *  
  
When Anakin finally emerged, it was clear that he had been quite busy with the various odds and ends of junk and machinery that had been lying around in heaps in the back of the shop. He had fashioned himself a suit of cyborg armor: a glowing breastplate, thick gauntlets, a jet-back domed helmet, skull-crushing boots, and a fearsome black mask.   
  
"Padawan, I do NOT approve," said Obi-Wan.  
  
"Come on, Master. This'll make the Vong piss themselves with fear!"  
  
"Jedi aren't supposed to inspire fear, Anakin. Take it off."  
  
"Fine," Anakin said sulkily, shucking off the mask and helm. As he was unstrapping the breastplate, he turned to Watto and said, "Hang on to these. I'll be coming back for them once I make Knight and I don't have to let him boss me around anymore."  
  
"I hopa I live thatta longo," sniffed Watto.   
  
"Anakin, if you're ready, we can leave Tatooine," said Obi-Wan. "We took a vote and decided that the best course of action would be to go to Kashyyyk and try to rally the Wookiees to fight against the Yuuzhan Vong."  
  
"Good idea," said Anakin. "If there's anything that could tear apart a Vong with its bare hands without breaking a sweat, it's a Wookiee."  
  
"I'm not going." Everyone turned to see who had spoken. It was Marxo Zeedong. "I've decided to stay here on Tatooine and join a moisture farming collective."  
  
Darth patted him on the shoulder. "It's going to be hard to leave you, old chum. You never really had anything relevant to say, and you never did anything particularly remarkable, but...it's not going to be the same around here without you."  
  
Racke' walked up to him and said, "That's right, Marxo. I know we never got to know each other very well, and I never really understood what you were talking about all the time, but I'm going to miss you." Then she gave him a big hug.  
  
"Lucky," muttered Anakin.   
  
"Keep fighting the good fight!" said Marxo as he walked off into the sunsets. "Don't let the bastards drag you down!"  
  
"Goodbye, Marxo!" Lubba said, emotion in his voice and a single tear running down the side of his huge slimy face.  
  
"So long, comrades!" said Marxo. "Get the word out about the disenfranchised Dugs of Malastare! And don't forget to boycott SoroSuub products!" Everybody waved.  
  
"Fucking twerp," muttered F-3P0, as soon as the Neimoidian was out of earshot.   
  
"His heart was in the right place," said Racke'.  
  
"Yes, but his brain was wedged three feet up his ass," said the droid.  
  
"Enough," said Obi-Wan. "Back to the Marauder. We're going to Kashyyyk!" They began to trudge back towards the waiting ship.  
  
"Wait!" cried Watto. "Don'ta leava me here! I'ma lonely anda poor anda this place getsa deader by the dayo! Taka me with you!" He trotted pathetically after the group.   
  
Obi-Wan and Anakin stopped and exchanged a look.  
  
"I'ma begging you," Watto pleaded. "Pleasa, peedunkee, I'ma the closest thing to a poppa you ever had. Don'ta letta me die here."  
  
Anakin rolled his eyes. "Fine. Not like you deserve it or anything, but come on." He turned to Obi-Wan. "This means I get to take my armor with us."  
  
"Yippee!" exclaimed Watto, and the flightless Toydarian raced up to join the rest of the misfits.   
  
* * *  
  
It was about halfway through the hyperjump to Kashyyyk, and everybody on the ship was asleep except for Obi-Wan and Anakin. Anakin, unable to do anything but stay up and nurse plans of revenge for his mother's death, sat in the pilot's seat, staring into hyperspace, thinking vengeful thoughts.   
  
Obi-Wan approached his Padawan slowly, quietly. He took a seat beside him in the navigator's chair. "Anakin," he said. "I've been thinking."  
  
"About what?" said Anakin, still staring darkly into the distance.  
  
"You know, I don't doubt that the Wookiees will agree to help us, and I'm sure they're strong enough to rip a Vong into shreds, but, well, don't you just get the feeling that the Vong will have some all-too-perfect way to compensate for their obvious inferiority?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Like...like...like they'll have magic lizards that eat only Wookiee eyeballs, or some sort of spores that make Wookiees allergic to their own fur, or something like that. Something completely ludicrous and implausible that will nullify our clear advantage."  
  
"So? What can we do about that?"  
  
"What I've come to decide," said Obi-Wan, "is that what we really need is more Jedi."  
  
"But they're all gone."  
  
"Yes, they are. But we could get...new Jedi."  
  
"Where? How? We don't exactly have the option of searching all over the galaxy at our leisure," said Anakin.   
  
"Anakin, you've got enough midichlorians in your bloodstream for at least...say, four Jedi."  
  
Anakin gave his master a funny look. "You'll forgive me if I don't laugh, Master, but I don't think--" He blinked. "You WERE joking, right Master?"  
  
"Desperate times call for desperate measures..."  
  
Anakin sat bolt upright. "Stop it, Kenobi. My Mom just died, I've been through enough hell already. Quit messing with my head."  
  
"Who's messing? Do you really want to get revenge on the Vong, or not?"  
  
Anakin grimaced. "I have a bad feeling about this..."  
  
* * *  
  
By the time the ship blasted out of hyperspace, Anakin was lying on a cot in the captain's quarters, very pale and very still, his left arm heavily bandaged.   
  
"I don't feel so good," he said quietly.  
  
"Hush, I'm testing Racke'," said Obi-Wan. He turned to face the young woman and held up a small device that resembled a paddle. "Now, tell me what you see."  
  
"A ship...a cup...a speeder..." she said.   
  
"Very good," said Obi-Wan, turning off the Jedi testing device. "The transfusion seems to have gone perfectly. Lubba rejected Anakin's midichlorians three times before they finally took, but now he's already learned to levitate small objects. And you should see how good Watto is with the mind tricks!"  
  
"I have a BAD feeling about this," moaned Anakin.  
  
"Padawan, please. You've said that about twenty times in the last hour. This is working brilliantly!"  
  
F-3P0 stepped into the room. "I thought you might want to know that we've left hyperspace and we'll be reaching Kashyyyk in about twenty minutes."  
  
"Excellent. Thanks," said Obi-Wan.  
  
"Why can't I be a Jedi, too?" asked the droid.  
  
"I already told you, you don't have a circulatory system, so there's nowhere for me to transfer the midichlorians from Anakin's blood."  
  
"Fucking bigots," muttered F-3P0 as he turned and left.   
  
"How are we going to get lightsabers for everybody?" asked Racke'.  
  
"Good question," said Obi-Wan. "Well, I've got my spare. Anakin, do you still have yours?"  
  
"Of course," croaked Anakin.  
  
"There you go. I'll give you my spare, and Anakin can give Watto his."  
  
"What about Lubba?"  
  
"Oh, right. Lubba. Hm." The Jedi thought for a moment, then called out loudly, "Darth! Can you come here for a second?"  
  
The Sith Lord dashed right over. "Yes?"  
  
"Can I see your lightsaber?"  
  
"Sure," said the Sith Lord. He handed the Jedi his double-bladed Sith lightsaber. Obi-Wan took it, held it up, and cracked it in half on his knee.   
  
"Give one of these to Lubba," said Obi-Wan, handing both halves back to Darth Extraneous. He turned to Racke'. "See? Problem solved."  
  
"Very resourceful, Master Jedi," said Racke' with a smile as Darth, a bit stunned, walked out of the room staring at his broken saber.   
  
"'Be prepared,' that's the Jedi motto," said Obi-Wan, returning the smile. "Now, let's get you fitted for your Jedi tunic. Lift up your arms, please..."  
  
  
  
To be continued... 


	3. Showdown on Anoat

Chapter 3  
  
"My ship! My beautiful, beautiful ship! You horrible, disgusting pigs have ruined it!" shrieked F-3P0 when first he spied the scorch marks and saber burns that covered the interior of the Marauder's cargo hold. Obi-Wan and Darth Extraneous had been attempting to teach their three new Padawans the art of lightsaber fencing.   
  
Only Watto, surprisingly enough, showed any level of proficiency. "When I wassa youngo, I had to learn how to fighta with a knife," he explained. The Hutt was too slow, and his arms too fat, to give him any decent control over his blade, and he ended up nicking his tough hide several times in his attempt to master some of the basic holds and parries. Racke' tried the best she could, but her abundant female anatomy kept getting in the way.   
  
Anakin was still in the captain's cot, recovering.   
  
"Ohh! The horror, the horror!" the droid went on. "After all I've done for you ungrateful fucks, you have the nerve to befoul my beautiful, pristine Marauder! Oh, think of the resale value lost! Why don't you just kill me now? I mean it! Just deactivate me and rob me of my innards and leave me for dead, you sword-swinging maniacs! I can't bear it anymore! My only happiness will come when I see you all rotting in hell, so just go ahead put me out of my misery, please!"  
  
"Whatever you saya, droido," said Watto, waddling up to F-3P0 and twirling his lightsaber up with a quick snap of his wrist that left the droid bisected at the waist. It fell to the ground with a heavy crash and its optical sensors went dim. "Well, thatsa that," said Watto. He scowled at the four faces staring at him with surprise. "Don't tella me you alla didn't wanta to do the same thing! He wassa asking for it!"  
  
"I think now would be a good time to take a break from lightsaber practice," said Obi-Wan. "Let's land the ship and see if we can recruit a few good Wookiees."  
  
They drove the ship into the atmosphere of Kashyyyk and set it on a large landing pad placed among the treetops. Anakin was still quite out of it, so it was Obi-Wan who manned the controls.   
  
* * *  
  
Anakin Skywalker, woozy and lightheaded from massive blood loss, as well as the removal of about 3/4 of his precious midichlorians, tried to hold his head upright while he attempted to put F-3P0 back together again. Apparently Watto had destroyed the droid in a fit of pique, but nobody gave it a second thought until it became apparent that the droid was their only means of communicating with the Wookiees. Nobody else on the ship spoke Wookiee, and Jedi mind-reading could only go so far. So while the Marauder waited on the landing pad, slowly attracting a large crowd of curious Wookiees who wanted to see what would eventually come out, Obi-Wan had roused Anakin from his half-comatose sleep, saying, "Hey Padawan, remember that droid you built for your mother? We need a little help putting F-3P0 back together."  
  
Anakin was having difficulty reattaching severed wires in the droid's torso because his left arm kept going completely numb.   
  
Obi-Wan breezed into the room. "How's it going, Padawan?" he asked. "Could you hurry it up? I think those Wookiees are starting to get suspicious."  
  
"Can't you send them a little mental greeting-card with your Jedi mind powers?" asked Anakin, his speech slightly slurred.   
  
"Not a bad idea, but I think we should lead with the droid, just in case the Wookiees have cut a deal with the Vong to hand over Jedi in exchange for not having their planet wiped out. Keep working!" He left the room.   
  
Anakin clipped a pair of connectors together, and F-3P0's optical sensors lit up. "...And another thing. If you bastards don't stop..." It trailed off. "Where am I? What happened? Oh! I remember now! That despicable little shit Watto cut me in half with his lightsaber! How RUDE!"  
  
"You work," said Anakin, with a dumb smile. At last, he could sleep again...  
  
Footsteps echoed down the hall. Obi-Wan appeared in the doorway. "Did I just hear what I think I heard? Anakin, you brought him back! Nice job, Padawan!"  
  
"Oh, no! Go away! I'm not speaking to you!" screeched the droid. "You let this happen to me, you son of a Gungan whore! You and your asinine Jedi nonsense!"  
  
"I suppose this wouldn't be the best time to tell you that we need your help."  
  
"Help? Help? You've got to be fucking kidding me! Whatever you need help with, I hope it fails miserably and you all die!"  
  
"F-3P0, put your personal feelings aside for the moment and think of...well, think of the welfare of all droids, everywhere. The Vong HATE droids. Wherever they seize power, they demolish all the droids. If you help us talk to these Wookiees so we can get them to join our cause, then we might be able to save thousands and thousands of your fellow droids from being hurt. Think about it, won't you?"  
  
"Well," said F-3P0 slowly, "when you put it that way...all right. I'll speak to the Wookiees for you. I am fluent in over 4.5 million forms of communication, after all."  
  
"That's my droid," said Obi-Wan with a grin. Anakin had passed out at some point during his master's conversation with F-3P0.   
  
* * *  
  
F-3P0, moving slowly and cautiously in its repaired body-- the two halves had been hastily welded together, and he felt a terrible stiffness about the waist-- walked down the Marauder's ramp and faced the throng of hairy Wookiees. He prepared to address the creatures in their native language.   
  
"Greetings," said the droid. "I have come to bring you a warning. There are wicked space pirates aboard this ship! They've come to enslave your women and your children and sell them to the spice mines of Kessel! If you value your lives, go in and kill them all now! Now!"  
  
That was all the Wookiees needed to hear. The entire crowd charged towards the ramp. "That's it!" shouted the droid, cheering them on. "Take no prisoners! Be vicious! Especially to the little pot-bellied blue one!"  
  
* * *  
  
Racke' sat up straight and blinked. "Huh. Weird," she said.  
  
"What is it?" asked Obi-Wan, pacing around anxiously as he waited to hear the Wookiees' answer to their request.   
  
"I just had a bad feeling about something," she said.  
  
Obi-Wan frowned. "That IS weird. I did too."  
  
"So did I," called Lubba, who was fixing a snack on the other side of the room.   
  
"Anda me," said Watto.  
  
"I as well," murmured the Sith Lord. "Very odd."  
  
Anakin suddenly staggered into the room, eyes wide with dark circles under them, white as a ghost, trailing loose bandages from his arm. "I just..." he wheezed, "had a..."  
  
"That does it," said Obi-Wan, running for the controls. "I'm taking the ship off, NOW." He nearly flew into the pilot's seat, madly throwing levers and punching buttons to initiate takeoff.   
  
There were about six furious Wookiees clinging to the Marauder's ramp when the ship lifted into the air. The ship had practically cleared the planet's stratosphere before the last one finally let go.   
  
* * *  
  
"Okay," said Obi-Wan, "so the Wookiee thing was a bust. A great, big, bust." He blinked and averted his eyes from Racke's chest. "I mean, it didn't work out the way we planned."  
  
"We shouldn't have sent F-3P0 out like that while he was still mad at us," Lubba said. "I think all the poor guy wanted was an apology." The Hutt's chin started to tremble. "Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye..." Racke' gave him a reassuring pat on the back.   
  
"Now what?" asked Anakin, who was feeling somewhat better.   
  
"We ought to go on a commando raid to take out the Vong's 'war coordinator,'" Darth said. "Without it, they'll probably fall into disarray."  
  
"You mean the yamblock?" said Anakin.  
  
"Yes, I think that's what it's called."  
  
"No, it's the yahtzee," said Obi-Wan.  
  
"No, that's the name of their war god," said Racke'. "The war coordinator thing is called the yukelele, I think."  
  
"Whatever it's called, we should kill it," said Darth.   
  
"It'll be too well guarded," said Obi-Wan.  
  
Anakin stood up. "Look, can we quit arguing back and forth about this, and just go whale on some Vong already? I'm starting to regain sensation in my fingertips again, and I'm ready to go kick some crag-faced alien ass."  
  
"He's right," said the Sith Lord. "We've been letting these Vong bastards intimidate us for far too long. They're nothing compared to us! It's high time we came out of hiding and showed those slimeballs who REALLY calls the shots in this galaxy!"  
  
"Right on, Darth!" said Anakin.  
  
"I agree," said Racke'. "We're wasting our time. Let's DO something about this invasion."  
  
"I concur. The time to act is now," said Lubba the Hutt.  
  
"I'ma witha you too," said Watto.  
  
"Well," said Obi-Wan, "I guess I don't even need to bother to vote, do I? I'll correct our hyperspace course. The Vong base is in the Anoat system, right?"  
  
"Who cares what planet they're on?" asked Anakin. "They suck, we need them gone, that's all anybody needs to know. Let's go!"  
  
* * *  
  
The Marauder tore through a blocking line of coralskippers, taking a few hard hits to its shields on the way into the thin atmosphere of the barren planet Anoat.   
  
As soon as the five-Jedi-and-one-Sith had descended the boarding ramp of their starship, they could see column after column of Vong battalions marching towards them, eager to kill. They could hear cries of "Infidel!" and "Die, unworthy Jedi!" coming from every direction.   
  
"Um," said Racke', "there's six of us and about ten thousand of them. How is this supposed to work, again?"  
  
"Trust in the Force, Racke'," said Obi-Wan. "After all, it's with us, not them. It won't let us down."  
  
"I hopa you're righto, or elsa this isa gonna be the shortest offensive of alla time," said Watto.   
  
They formed a defensive circle and held their lightsabers in guard positions as they waited for the Vong to come within melee range. The scarred warriors had their snake-whips, their fish-axes, their frog-cannons, and a variety of other strange bio-weapons. And they were all wearing armor made out of some sort of crustacean shell.   
  
"For the glory of the Vong!" growled one warrior, lunging at Obi-Wan, who parried the attack and tried to counter-strike with his lightsaber. But the Jedi's weapon could not cut through the Vong's crab-shell armor.   
  
"Dammit, I forgot about the armor," said Obi-Wan. "I think we're in trouble." Using their newly-acquired Jedi skills, Racke', Watto, and Lubba were able to help Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Darth hold off the attacking Vong, but the alien warriors' armor made it impossible for them to go on the offensive. They could only block and parry, and they knew sooner or later they would exhaust themselves and be overpowered by the Vong.  
  
"We're in trouble," Racke' agreed. Lubba bellowed in pain as one of the Vong scored a hit on his tail. The poor Hutt had a lot of body to defend. He struck back at the Vong who had wounded him, but his lightsaber only fizzled against the warrior's armor.   
  
"We're alla gonna die!" said Watto.   
  
"This is totally wrong," said Anakin, disgusted. "Not only are these lightsabers supposed to be pure energy blades, but they also represent the transcendental mystic power of the Force and everything that being a Jedi is all about. How completely screwed up is it that they can't even hurt bunch of freaks wearing leftovers from a seafood buffet?"  
  
Suddenly, a shimmering, translucent figure appeared in the air. It was a man with long hair, a beard, and striking features. The ghostly image wore Jedi robes.  
  
"Master Qui-Gon!" gasped Obi-Wan and Anakin.  
  
"Hello, boys." The apparition of Qui-Gon Jinn glanced around at the surrounding hordes of Vong. "Looks like a real fine mess you've gotten yourselves into here."  
  
"Nice to see you again, too, Master," said Obi-Wan as he ducked under a wild axe swing, "but if you'd waited a few more minutes, I think you'd find us all 'one with the Force' like yourself."  
  
"Giving up so easily, Padawan? I came to help. As you've no doubt noticed by now, your weapons are useless against your enemies' armor. You must turn your lightsabers up to 11."  
  
"To 11?" said Anakin. "But the highest power setting on a lightsaber is 10."  
  
"Only the Council is supposed to know about it. Depa Billaba told me the secret before I passed away...this one night, we were up really late doing shots of Gungan rum, and she-- well, anyway, you know what to do. Make me proud, boys." The phantom of Qui-Gon faded away.  
  
Anakin glanced down at the power dial on his lightsaber, and turned it past the number '10.' "Well, I'll be a Jawa's uncle," he said. "It does go up to 11." His lightsaber blade was glowing brighter and humming louder, now. He took an experimental swing at the nearest Vong. The lightsaber sliced the warrior's armor like a vibroknife through warm butter.   
  
"That's more like it," said Anakin with a wicked grin. Obi-Wan, the Sith, and the rest of the Jedi all turned their lightsabers up to the hidden '11' setting as well. Soon, Vong heads and limbs were flying through the air like confetti as the heroes hacked apart the dastardly alien warriors.   
  
"This is fun AND easy," said Anakin. "I wish we'd known about that a long time ago!"  
  
"No kidding!" said Racke', cutting down Vong left and right.   
  
"I'va never felta so alive!" cried Watto, leaping into the fray with his blade swinging. "Looka out, Vong, here comesa Watto!"  
  
Even the Hutt was having some success, knocking the enemy over with a swing from his tail, slashing them with his lightsaber as they tried to stand up again.   
  
"This is for my MOM," said Anakin, dispatching a Vong with a swift lunge. "And this is ALSO for my Mom...and that one's for Mom, too..." he said as he slew two others.   
  
Darth and Obi-Wan worked as a team, chopping through the ranks of Vong warriors tirelessly, breaking up their formations and scattering them into easy marks for their less-experienced friends to pick off. At one point, a lone Vong voice cried out, "Bring out the war coordinator!"  
  
The Jedi continued fighting. But after a moment, Darth stopped, froze, and pointed. "Great Sadow's ghost, look at that thing!" The Jedi turned to see what had caught his attention.  
  
A huge, disgusting, horrible, awful monster with yucky tentacles and sharp fangs and big eyeballs and a big scary drooling mouth with rows and rows of pointy teeth was slowly coming towards them.   
  
"The yamaha!" exclaimed Obi-Wan.   
  
"Ew," said Racke'. "Their war coordinator thing is really gross."  
  
"Go forth, mighty yammosk!" roared one of the Vong warriors. "Devour the infidel Jedi!" The thing slithered closer to the thick of battle.   
  
"Let's you and me kick that thing's ass, Master," said Anakin. "I'll take the left." He and Obi-Wan rushed towards the monster. It rolled the end of one tentacle into a tight ball and swung it at Obi-Wan, sending the Jedi flying backwards several yards. It took another tentacle and coiled it around Anakin's shoulders, pinning his arms to his sides.   
  
"Oh, no!" yelled Anakin. "The yarborough's got me!" Several Vong warriors started to run towards the trapped Jedi, their weapons held aloft, ready and eager to deliver a killing blow. Thinking quickly, Anakin looked around. Obi-Wan had landed in the middle of several Vong and was fighting his way out, Darth and Watto were very far away, and the Hutt was too slow to come to his aid in time. Only Racke' was near enough to help. "Racke'!" he shouted. "I need you to distract those Vong so I can free myself! Quick, pull up your shirt and flash them!"  
  
"Nice try, Jedi," she said, pulling a silver Nubian blaster pistol from a holster at her hip, "but this'll work better." She took out the two closest Vong with deadly precision, giving Anakin just enough time to cut himself free of the tentacle with his lightsaber. He quickly mopped up the nearby Vong, then turned his attention back to the yammosk.  
  
"Racke', Master Obi-Wan, follow me! We've got to take this thing down!" The three of them rushed the yammosk with their lightsabers drawn, but the thing just swatted them out of the way with its powerful tentacles.   
  
"Stand back, friends!" said Lubba the Hutt. "Allow me to handle this." He started to shuffle towards the yammosk.   
  
"Lubba, no!" cried Racke'. "You're too slow! That thing will try to eat you!"  
  
"That's what I'm counting on," said the Hutt, inching closer. The yammosk tried to shove Lubba back with its tentacles, but the Hutt was simply too heavy. "May all Hutts everywhere be looked upon more kindly because of my sacrifice!" Sure enough, the yammosk gave up trying to push the Hutt away and instead tried to stuff it into its gaping, many-toothed mouth.   
  
"Lubba! Nooooooo!!!"   
  
The yammosk stopped. It had the Hutt about halfway down its throat, but the tail was still sticking out and it couldn't bring its jaws together to chew. The Hutt was too big and fat. It tried to remove the Hutt from its mouth by pulling it out by the tail, but the Hutt was too greasy and slimy and the yammosk's tentacles couldn't get a grip.   
  
The yammosk began to turn blue.  
  
"The war coordinator is choking!" gasped one of the Vong. "The gods have forsaken us!" cried another.   
  
The yammosk thrashed and heaved for several minutes, and then it collapsed. Its tentacles twitched a few last times, and then it was very still.   
  
All of the Vong warriors stopped in their tracks and stared at their fallen war coordinator.   
  
Several moments of stunned silence passed before one of the scarred aliens finally spoke. "Well, now that the yammosk is dead, I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel pretty directionless."  
  
"Yeah, I know just what you mean," another replied. "If I don't have a vicious holy war to fight, what purpose do I have? I mean, what were we going to do once we finished conquering this galaxy, anyway?"  
  
"You know we'd never be satisified. We'd find some other galaxy to fixate on, and then we'd feel like we could never be happy unless we conquered that one too. But you know, once the conquering is over, all we have left is a hollow feeling inside."  
  
"You're right, Prefect Me'Shugginah. We've been fools, always chasing after rainbows. We've been overlooking the things that really matter."  
  
"I'm tired of war. I wish I could spend more time with my wife and children."  
  
"I've always wanted to take up painting--"  
  
"Hahah! Die, you ugly sonsa bitches!" yelled Watto, leaping between the two, slashing with his lightsaber until they both fell dead. "I lova this Jedi shit, peedunkee!"  
  
"Hold it, Watto," said Obi-Wan. "The Jedi always accept surrender. That IS what you're doing, yes?" he said to the nearest Vong. "I mean, you guys give up now, right?"  
  
The Vong shrugged. "I guess so. We really can't get anything done without our war coordinator." The surviving warriors started to limp back to their coralskippers and worldships.   
  
"We did it!" said Anakin. "The Vong are retreating!"  
  
"We did it!" said Racke', hugging him.  
  
"Let's hurry back to Coruscant," said Obi-Wan. "We've got to tell Master Yoda what happened."  
  
"Okay, that's enough," said Racke', extricating herself from Anakin's lingering embrace.   
  
"Thatsa all?" said Watto, disappointed. "I wassa justa getting warmed up."  
  
Darth Extraneous turned to Obi-Wan. "I don't dare show myself on Coruscant. It seems we must part ways here, Jedi."  
  
"I understand, Darth," said Obi-Wan. "We made a good team while it lasted. Take care of yourself, and good luck finding your place among the Sith...I guess."  
  
"Thank you." The Sith Lord turned to Anakin. "Remember, young Skywalker, if you ever decide to turn to the Dark Side for good...give me a call."  
  
"I will," said Anakin brightly.  
  
"But Darth, where will you go?" asked Racke'. "And how will you get there?"  
  
"I'm going back to Kashyyyk, to look for F-3P0. And then I'm going back to the asteroid," said Darth. "Have to keep the place up, you never know when new misfits might show up. I thought I'd try to hitch a ride with one of those Vong." He started to jog after one of the retreating lines. "Hey, any of you guys heading towards Kashyyyk? Got any extra room in your coralskipper?"  
  
Racke' turned to Obi-Wan. "What about us, Master Kenobi?"  
  
"Yeah, now whatta we do?" asked Watto.   
  
"Well, we'll have to help reform the Jedi Council," said Obi-Wan. "Master Yoda can't do it alone, after all. The four of us are the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy now. For your bravery and valor against the Vong in the Battle of Anoat, I'm promoting you all to the rank of Jedi Knight."  
  
"Wizard!" said Anakin.   
  
* * *  
  
The cavernous dome of the Senate chamber echoed with applause and cheers for the four Jedi Knights who had saved the galaxy from the dire threat of the Yuuzhan Vong invasion. They stood on the central platform with Chancellor Palpatine, heavy golden medals hanging from their necks. Yoda stood off to the side, leaning on his gimer stick, a completely exasperated, I'm-too-old-for-this-shit expression on his wrinkled green face.   
  
"Yes, three cheers, three cheers, a big hand for our Jedi saviors," said the Chancellor with a secretive smile. "The new Council assures me that the Jedi Order will be back to business as usual in no time, and that all new parents are still expected to bring their infants by the Temple for midichlorian testing before they reach six months of age. Furthermore, to discourage the Yuuzhan Vong and any who would imitate them from invading our sovereign galaxy ever again, I have drafted a bill that authorizes the construction of a space station roughly the size of...oh, say, a small moon...fitted with a planet-destroying superlaser, for the purpose of maintaining the military superiority of the Republic and providing a strong deterrent to any who would attempt to oppose me. I mean, us. If you all would please pass this bill without a lot of questioning or debate, I would really appreciate it, we've got a very busy schedule today."  
  
And with that, the Senate got back to their daily routine. The Jedi rode a floating pod to the Senate chamber exits and took a shuttle back to the Temple.   
  
* * *  
  
The sun was just beginning to set when they reached the Council chamber atop one of the Temple's four towers. Master Yoda, Master Kenobi, Anakin, Racke', and Watto each took a seat. The other seven seats remained empty. It would be a long time before the Council could be filled out to twelve members again.   
  
Yoda sighed. "Completely absurd, this is. Retire to a hut on a swamp planet and never to any Jedi speak again, think I might."  
  
"Cheer up, Master Yoda," said Obi-Wan. "I did the best I could under the circumstances. You should just be happy the Jedi Order hasn't gone completely extinct."  
  
Yoda looked at Watto, rolling dice on the floor of the Council chamber and using the Force to control which numbers they landed on. He looked at Anakin, who was slouched in his seat with one leg kicked up over the armrest, trying to stare at Racke's cleavage without being noticed. Racke' was sitting up straight and trying to act like a good Jedi.   
  
And there was Obi-Wan, using that same "I had to do what I thought was best" bullshit that Qui-Gon always used to pull. And he was growing his hair long, too.   
  
Yoda sighed again. He daydreamed about going away, leaving Coruscant, forgetting all the Jedi hoodoo he had spent his life wrapped up in, and just kicking back and enjoying nature. He remembered hearing that real estate on Dagobah was going cheap...  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
